Footprints

As the years pass, I see myself resembling her in everyway. I loathed the idea of it, but I couldn’t help following her footprints. I was scared of following those footprints, but then again I was the outcome of those footprints. I still don’t know if it was a good or bad thing that I came into this world, a world where hatred prevails. I had learned that to survive in this world, I must be whoever society wants me to be; it all depends on where I am at or who I am with.

At this age of 25, there isn’t much to think about. I mean there’s life, there are people, and there’s me. I work at a local McDonald’s; it’s what happens when you don’t go to college nowadays I guess. I took an online quiz the other day, my results: “You will die the year you turn 50 due to high cholesterol.” I giggled at the thought of it. I figured if the quiz was true, that means I only got 25 years left to go. I mean, what is there to life anyway? We’re born, we live for a few horrible years, and finally we’re buried six feet under.

***
It is a cloudy day of mid August. The streets are full of cars honking and angry drivers. Mothers are picking up their little ones from the Dewey Elementary School across the street. I used to be the little girl, being picked up by her mother. As I leave my apartment, I feel my feet pulling themselves back. The left side of my brain is telling me “No, not today.” The problem was, it was arguing with my right side which ultimately won for the first time in fifteen years.

I am pasting by Mrs. Leon’s home. She is an eighty year old woman who lives all alone. She grows a small garden with beautiful flowers that die every Fall. I don’t understand why anyone would grow beautiful flowers and then let them die slowly on their own grave. It’s just torture to see the flowers losing its vibrant pedals.

The streets are getting busier and people keep rushing by me. What’s the hurry? I guess time just doesn’t wait for anyone. A young girl walks up to me “Ms. would you buy a chocolate from me?”

***
She used to make me do so make me do so many things at home. I washed the dishes; I cleaned the floor, and often cooked dinner. All these were expertise at the age of seven. I wanted to be like any other child. I wanted to laugh, to play with dolls and go to sleepovers. Yet none of these I did. She kept me home. Her excuse would be “When you grow up you will understand. I can’t be there for you forever.”

I feel asleep in class today because I stayed up late doing laundry. It’s funny because she makes me do so much work but she watches me complete them. I wonder why she doesn’t just leave me be and go to sleep. It’s almost as if she feels bad for making me do so many things. Who was I kidding?

***
I gave the little girl two dollars and told her to treat herself with some chocolate. It was the only two dollars I got. However, I got no more use for it. I am now walking to that place where memories may not follow.

The clouds were starting to pull in. The skies turned a dark gray color. I feel the tiny droplets of rain reaching into my skin. It almost burns. I keep walking towards the place. The streets are calming down. No more cars or people are present. I stand here all alone. I close my eyes…

“Mom wait for me!” I screamed.

“Roxy, don’t give me that face! I need you to walk back to the store and pick up some oranges. I’ll meet you at home. Be careful. Be a brave young girl. Wipe those tears!”

She let my hands go and walked off on her own. My heart felt as if hundreds of tiny needles were prickling at it. I walked home alone that night. It was scary and dark. I saw some high school guys getting into a fight at one corner. I heard sirens and saw police officers at another.

I was ten.

***

I am here. The bench sat along the lake just like it did fifteen years ago. It was the last time I understood the definition of family and happiness…

My mother laid a checkered blanket on the floor and arranged some beautiful tulips in the center. My father then brought plenty of food in this huge basket. It was my first time seeing both of them enjoying each other’s company. My father used to get angry often and took it off on my mother. Yet, seeing them together like this warms my heart.

My mother did not make me do anything today, no dishes, no cooking, nothing.

“Mom, dad, let’s eat!” I said.

All three of us dug in the food. We finished off with a mouth watering watermelon. That was the best day of my life. Even though neither of my parents remembered it, it was also the best birthday that I ever had, at least for the moment that it lasted.

“I’m going for a walk. I love you Roxy!” said my mother as she left. I don’t remember the last time she kissed me and said those three words. My heart was full of happiness.

Hours went by and then the sun was about to set.

“Dad where is mom?” I asked.

“That fallen woman must have left us here and went home. I am not going to let her get off this easily.” he replied in an angry tone.

I was terrified. I clung onto my father as we headed around the lake towards the parking lot. I saw something floating on the water and screamed. He said it was probably a log but walked closer to the lake to take a look. Seconds later, I saw an emotionless face.

“Dad?”

“Here’s the phone. Call the cops and tell them there’s a body in the lake.” he said

I dialed the three numbers that mother always taught me to use when there’s an emergency. My heart was beating so fast, I can hardly breathe.

“It can’t be…It can’t be.” I kept repeating these words in my ears.

Three officers arrived at the lake and asked my father plenty of questions. They pulled the body from the water. I was afraid to go near the body. The officer pulled out this plastic bag from the hands of the body, there was a note inside. I never got to know what the note said, but the officers came and asked my father if he can “identify the body.”

My father approached with caution, then said in a shaky voice “t-h-hat’s my wife.”

With those words, my world ended.

I was ten.

***
She tried to prepare me for the world at such a young age because she knew that she was going to leave me. Although I was put into an orphanage, I was a self-sufficient ten year old girl. Yet, as the days go by it doesn’t seem to get any better. Every morning when I look in the mirror I saw her. After fifteen years, finally I will be able to let it all go.

I walk towards the lake. The water starts reaching my knee…

“You’re worthless woman. You can’t survive without me!” Those were the words of my first love when I was eighteen. Those were also the first words he told me after I was released from the hospital of a miscarriage that he caused.

The water is now up to my waste. Its coldness reaches into my bones…

“Roxy, why don’t you ever learn? Guys don’t love people like us. Just show some skin and you’ll make some money off of them. Money is all that matters.” Those were the words of my best friend who grew up with me at the orphanage.

The water reaches my neck. It’s rapidly reaching into my heart. Darkness surrounds me...
I see my mother walking me down the isle.

“You are the most beautiful bride I have ever seen.” she said

I am approaching my to-be husband, but his face is blurry. I can’t see him. People are all smiling around me. I can’t breathe. My mother kisses me on my cheek.

“Hang in there. It will be over. Be a brave young girl.”